Okay, so time for my quarterly post.  I mean really, where does the time go and why does it seem to be in such a hurry?

I sit here, typing away on my laptop while the 2010 Winter Olympics play on the TV and I am in heaven.  The beautiful weather today was an added bonus, a smiley face at the end of the sentence.  I am on the upside of recovering from a cold, so my future is looking bright.

The Olympics, where do I start.  I love them and I can say that quite loudly and proudly.  Maybe it is because I have secretly always wished to be called "an athlete."  In school, I was considered more the academic, nerdy smart girl than the "jock."  I was never able to get an "A" in PE and therefore set the expectation of my physical abilities very low.  Over the years, fluctuation in body weight has prompted me to get more physical, get my body moving, but I have never really enjoyed it until the last few years.  I trained for a sprint triathalon, even though I did not really know how to swim and had to learn and yes, I am proud to say, I completed the event.  It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, yet when it was over, I still was not certain that I could call myself "an athlete."

I have practiced yoga on and off (more "on" lately) for over 20 years and found that I love it, love what it does for not only my body, but for my mind and my spirit.  I have had to really listen to my body, to what it needs and I have learned that I need to be outside, communing with nature while I get my body moving.  I love to hike and have recently discovered that I love to run.  What a revelation that was as I always used to dread it.  I realize that I do not do as well in the gym, I feel too confined not to mention judged.  Judged by what I was wearing, judged by how much weight I did or did not lift, how fast or slow I was running on the treadmill, how much I sweated (and believe me, I sweat alot) and overall, I am just not that comfortable in the gym.  I realize that this is only my experience of the gym and may not be be the experience of others and I am okay with that.

I am in awe of athletes.  They amaze and inspire me.  They push their bodies to the limit and then a little farther.  I feel athletes have an incredible relationship with their bodies.  They listen to them, they honor them and they work together to form an intimate partnership.  They dedicate themselves to their craft and do whatever it takes to remain committed to that craft.

In watching the Olympics, I get to see athletes pursuing their ultimate dream.  They are putting themselves out there, for all the world to see and regardless of if they succeed or fail at attaining their goal, they are going for it and that just makes my heart sing.  How many of us put ourselves out there like that?  How many of us pursue our dreams, regardless of whether or not we will succeed or fail, much less do it in front of others, be it 1 or 100?  How many of us hold back, because of our fears, whatever they may be, and in the middle of a sleepless night, wonder "what if?"

I love watching the inspiring stories, as they share what motivates them to do their best, to push past their limits.  We all need something to inspire us, and in sharing our inspiration, we just might be able to inspire others.  The stories are incredible and so often, I find they put things into perspective for me, help me push through when I am feeling unable to continue on.

Being a writer, I can identify on some level with the athlete, because of the partnership I have with my creative spirit.  Rather than me pushing it, sometimes it pushes me and because I remain committed to my craft, I have to let go and be lead, to trust in the process, to be pushed past what I think are my limits.  I have to push past my fear of "putting it all out there" in front of others, be it the 1 or 100.  I have to push past my fear of failure or even success and realize that regardless of the outcome, I would still write, I would still create. I do it because it is my passion, my bliss and my life would be colorless without it.

So, I watch the Olympics as one might watch a child playing with reckless abandon, no fear huddling around, trying to push it's way in, just pure joy, pure bliss radiating from my television set.  Sure, there are disappointments and yet, that is a part of it.  It's what pushes us to go further, to try again.  I can identify with the disappointments and it makes me love the athletes even more.  At least they tried, they gave it their all, put themselves out there and won't ever have to ask the question "what if?"

So, here I am, emerging from the shadows with a somewhat guilty half smile on my face.  I have been gone awhile and although my words have not made it to this website, they have been with me nonetheless.  Life continues to go on and it doesn't seem to care if we are not strapped in, buckled up or asking for a break in the action to allow us to catch our breath.  Back in the days, I rode the roller coaster with wild abandon, holding my hands up high while screaming as I plunged downward, never doubting that I would climb back up, where spectacular views awaited.  I didn't sit and ponder the what if's - as in "what if the roller coaster stops at the top and I can't get down, what if it stops at the bottom and I don't get to see any more spectacular views at the top, what if a chain breaks on the track, what if the car I am riding in unhinges and I plunge to my death, what if..."  Well, you get my meaning.  I also didn't have a plan B, as in, "well, if this happens, then I will do this, or if this doesn't happen, then I need to do this".  My analysis paralysis didn't exist back then - I trusted and that was that. 

Which brings me to today, the present, where I have just realized that I have an addiction, an addiction to security.  I can't seem to live without it.  I break out in a rash just thinking about taking a risk.  I am unable to make a decision, any decision unless I have weighed all the pros and cons and everything in between.  In the past, the thought of taking action or not taking action based on the "or else/what if" concept didn't affect me at all.  Now, I stand trembling in my slippers at the thought of what the "or else/what if" could do to me, how it could impact my life.   A pebble in my shoe causes great discomfort and I analyze all the ways it could have gotten there and what it could mean and how it may affect my life moving forward.  What happened to the good old days when I would just remove it and continue on my way?  I think sometimes that if I make a decision without doing all the research, my security could be compromised.  The alarms would sound and the bottom would drop out and I would be falling, falling, calling out to my security net, "Where are you, why hast thou forsaken me?", which the later part of that phrase I always thought was a Shakespearan quote and imagine my surprise when I just looked it up and realized it originated from the Bible.  I can't even write this post without looking up quotes and referring to the dictionary, thesaurus and researching when to use "affect" versus "effect".   Pitiful...

As I ponder thoughts of riding without a helmet, not flossing my teeth, paper versus plastic, organic versus non-organic, natural versus un-natural, I start to experience symptoms of withdrawal.  I find that I am sweating and shaking and then the thought of my TIVO malfunctioning pops into my head, almost sending me into a wild rage and I start to hyperventilate.  This is how I know I have a problem and isn't admitting it the first step to recovery?

So, I have made a decision, a clammy handed decision to start weaning myself off the security net, maybe finding things that I can trust about myself again, things that I just KNOW are right and true and beautiful, things that don't need solid facts to back them up.  Maybe I can call up those long ago, nicely preserved memories of times when things just worked out, because they just did and I trusted that they would.  Those times when I felt like Superwoman, red cape and all.  Maybe they can help me to loosen the ties on the net a bit, letting it drop a few feet.  If I can find my red cape, dust it off, lean my crutch up against the wall and remember what is was like to fly, to leap tall problems in a single bound, then maybe, just maybe, someday, I won't need the net anymore.

Well, here we go, two posts in one day - I am on a roll!  My OCD self tried to talk me into backdating my prior post but it lost the debate.  I don't feel it should matter what date I am posting on, and the only reason I would backdate the post is so that I wouldn't feel guilty for not having posted in a while - talk about driving yourself insane and being your worst critic - still working on this one and it may be a lifetime project.

So, in my prior post I mentioned my "shoulds", things that I feel that I have to do because if I don't, then I feel am not a responsible person. Some of my "shoulds" include "I should water my plants or they will die", "I should post an new entry on my website or people won't visit my site anymore", "I should answer all those emails that need answering or people's feelings will be hurt", "I should clean my house or people will think I am a slob" - well you get the point.  I spend countless hours making "to-do" lists, organizing my life as well as the members of my family's lives.  I am one hell of a multi-tasker - I can talk on the phone while answering emails, I can eat while standing up going through the mail and listening to the television in the background, I can text while listening to what you are saying (quite rude though, in my opinion, but wouldn't want the person texting me to think I was ignoring them).  The list goes on and on.  The problem with this I have found, is although I can get quite a bit done in a day, stepping back to pat myself on the back in regards to all that I have accomplished, I never give one thing my full attention.  Let me repeat this - NOTHING EVER GETS MY FULL ATTENTION, which means I never get to fully experience anything right there in the moment.  Do you know how much I miss out on?

It saddens me that we live in a world where accomplishments, how much we can get done, are held in such high regard. If we give several of the same tasks to two different people and one of them finishes everything on the list and the other one was only able to complete one, we praise the one that finished more.  What if the other person, who was giving that one item all his attention, was totally there, in the moment, not thinking about crossing items off the list, not thinking about how he was going to feel at the end of the assignment, not thinking about what he had to do tomorrow and how he was going to accomplish it, but just completely focused on the task at hand and was able to not only complete it, but describe his experience in such a way that others actually were able to feel that they completed the task with him, what then?  Would we clap our hands in an obligatory manner as we turn to hand the prize over to the multi-tasker or would we be able to truly appreciate his accomplishment?

Can you imagine what life would be like if we were able to wake up and let the day speak to us, let it guide us to do what calls to us, not what we "should" do?  Today is that day for me.  I have decided to try and have one of these days a month - not alot but it is a start.  A day where I wake up and nothing is planned, where surprises are hiding like Easter eggs and I squeal like a child every time one is discovered.  I find that when I leave open some time, the unexpected feels comfortable enough to pay me a visit.  No need to knock, the door is open.  I am excited about all the things I may discover that would have otherwise had no chance because they weren't on the list, things like writing this post, lying on my bed listening to a new CD without doing anything else, finishing a book that I have been wanting to read, staying in my pajamas while sitting on the couch holding one of my kittens as he sleeps in my arms.  Pure delight!!  I highly recommend giving it a try.