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So, here I am, emerging from the shadows with a somewhat guilty half smile on my face. I have been gone awhile and although my words have not made it to this website, they have been with me nonetheless. Life continues to go on and it doesn't seem to care if we are not strapped in, buckled up or asking for a break in the action to allow us to catch our breath. Back in the days, I rode the roller coaster with wild abandon, holding my hands up high while screaming as I plunged downward, never doubting that I would climb back up, where spectacular views awaited. I didn't sit and ponder the what if's - as in "what if the roller coaster stops at the top and I can't get down, what if it stops at the bottom and I don't get to see any more spectacular views at the top, what if a chain breaks on the track, what if the car I am riding in unhinges and I plunge to my death, what if..." Well, you get my meaning. I also didn't have a plan B, as in, "well, if this happens, then I will do this, or if this doesn't happen, then I need to do this". My analysis paralysis didn't exist back then - I trusted and that was that.
Which brings me to today, the present, where I have just realized that I have an addiction, an addiction to security. I can't seem to live without it. I break out in a rash just thinking about taking a risk. I am unable to make a decision, any decision unless I have weighed all the pros and cons and everything in between. In the past, the thought of taking action or not taking action based on the "or else/what if" concept didn't affect me at all. Now, I stand trembling in my slippers at the thought of what the "or else/what if" could do to me, how it could impact my life. A pebble in my shoe causes great discomfort and I analyze all the ways it could have gotten there and what it could mean and how it may affect my life moving forward. What happened to the good old days when I would just remove it and continue on my way? I think sometimes that if I make a decision without doing all the research, my security could be compromised. The alarms would sound and the bottom would drop out and I would be falling, falling, calling out to my security net, "Where are you, why hast thou forsaken me?", which the later part of that phrase I always thought was a Shakespearan quote and imagine my surprise when I just looked it up and realized it originated from the Bible. I can't even write this post without looking up quotes and referring to the dictionary, thesaurus and researching when to use "affect" versus "effect". Pitiful...
As I ponder thoughts of riding without a helmet, not flossing my teeth, paper versus plastic, organic versus non-organic, natural versus un-natural, I start to experience symptoms of withdrawal. I find that I am sweating and shaking and then the thought of my TIVO malfunctioning pops into my head, almost sending me into a wild rage and I start to hyperventilate. This is how I know I have a problem and isn't admitting it the first step to recovery?
So, I have made a decision, a clammy handed decision to start weaning myself off the security net, maybe finding things that I can trust about myself again, things that I just KNOW are right and true and beautiful, things that don't need solid facts to back them up. Maybe I can call up those long ago, nicely preserved memories of times when things just worked out, because they just did and I trusted that they would. Those times when I felt like Superwoman, red cape and all. Maybe they can help me to loosen the ties on the net a bit, letting it drop a few feet. If I can find my red cape, dust it off, lean my crutch up against the wall and remember what is was like to fly, to leap tall problems in a single bound, then maybe, just maybe, someday, I won't need the net anymore.
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A while ago, I started to feel that my world was so small, I was suffocating. I realized it was me making it small - by giving into my shyness, by not taking risks, by not being willing to be uncomfortable or scared. The last few months have been kind of a wild ride, and I don't see signs of it stopping. Sometimes I'm scared to death, but other times (a lot of other times, actually) I'm exhilarated and looking for more.
So, yes, don your red cape! You are such a beautiful, smart and creative soul. The world needs more women like you. And I'll hold your hand (pretending it's for you when it's really just as much for me)!
Big (wild woman) hugs! Love you!
I told Dave that this decade (my birth decade, not the actual decade - had to clarify because I still have several years to go) was going to be the "me" decade and what a decade it has been thus far. I knew you would understand this post and I smile as I think about how far away from the net the past few months have been for you - from "The Artist's Way", to "The Beckoning of Lovely" and now on to NaNoWriMo. You are climbing high and I wanted you to know that I am right there with you - okay, maybe several feet below but still there nonetheless! You inspire me to reach a little higher, where maybe my fingers are no longer touching the net, yet as I look up and watch you with that determined, yet sometimes anxious look on your face, I know that it is possible, if you trust enough that the net will appear as soon as you leap.
Here's to the leap!!
Okay, so a diluted version it is, do you want to be Thelma or Louise? Which one got to sleep with Brad Pitt 'cuz I'll be her!!