In The End (8/7/11)

This past weekend was a tough one for me. There are times when I feel like I would rather be stranded on a secluded island all alone rather than work through one more relationship issue. When I say "relationship", I am not just talking about marriage but about family, friends, parent/child, employee/employer, co-worker and any other type that I may have forgotten. Relationships are hard work as I am sure everyone can agree. Among all the stuff it takes to make a relationship work, these two currently top my list as the most important - compromise and trust. It could change at some point later on but for awhile now, these two have been and continue to be the biggies.

First of all, I will start by saying that I have come a long way on the compromising. I am sure I have mentioned in a prior post that I come from a long line of women who typically think that their way is the only way, the right way and that is that. After hitting myself in the head with whatever kitchen utensil was the closest, I learned to lighten up a bit and let others "share" their way. I figured if it didn't physically hurt or kill me, I was gonna be okay. So the dishwasher isn't loaded the way I think it should be, the "right" rags aren't used to clean up a certain mess, the leftovers aren't put away in the container I think was best, I still survived. This type of compromise is getting easier and easier.

When it comes to agreeing to disagree, this is a bit more difficult for me. I feel that I am a fairly open minded person yet in arguments I will definitely try to get the other person to see things my way, to at least understand even if they do not agree with what I am trying to say. I try to do the same thing - I may not agree with you but I will try to understand your point of view. In the past, I was known as a "yeller" as well as a "slammer". As I continued to try and get my point across my voice would have a tendency to get louder and louder and if my point was still lost, I started in slamming doors and cabinets as if my fury would somehow get the other person (who had become my opponent) to cower down and hand me the win. This behavior I am happy to say, is no longer the norm but more the exception. When I do slip, I feel terrible. I know there is no excuse but sometimes a good old fashioned temper tantrum just bleeds all the nasty out of me.

Working on being a person who tries to stay open minded, who tries to come to the table with love in her heart, who tries to approach the situation with hope that the best outcome occurs for everyone involved can be extremely draining on my energy. I learn a lot, let me tell you, yet can walk away feeling like I just completed a triathlon (which I have so I really do know that feeling). Hence the feeling like I need a solo vacation to a faraway place.

Next up comes the trust issue. This is a little tricky as I am not referring to working on trust with people who are intentionally dishonest. I really don't surround myself with people who would lie to me on a regular basis. I am talking about people who have good intentions but somehow cannot seem to follow through with things they say they are going to do. I would not say that I was brought up to believe that actions speak louder than words but that is definitely one of my core beliefs and has been for as long as I can remember. I believe that you lead by example. I would not ask of someone that which I am not willing to do myself yet I also believe in the power of my words. My word means everything to me. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If given a specific time frame for an action to be completed, then it will be done unless there is a good reason, of which I will convey along with a new date that is acceptable for all parties concerned. I realize that shit happens, life gets in the way and sometimes we are just not able to make our commitment. I get it yet really have a hard time when these commitments are continually blown off whether it be getting it done by a certain date or getting back to me on something and never do. It drives me crazy and brings out the judgmental side of me that I am not very fond of. I consider this a trust issue, I am trusting that you will do what you said you were going to do when you said that you were going to do it. Call it what you will, integrity, morals, values, whatever you want but take responsibility for lack of it. And please don't expect others to do that which you are not willing to do yourself. Don't get angry if someone in your life does the same thing that you are also guilty of. I think it is called being a hypocrite.

Okay, enough ranting tonight. I am not even sure it made me feel better but it is what it is. This is where I spill it, the good and the bad, the positive and the negative. Tonight I will go to bed and dream of a perfect world where I am always right, it is never over 85 degrees and I can eat all the sugar I want. In the morning I will wake up refreshed and ready to get back in the ring, fighting the good fight because in the end, I know relationships are worth it. In the end, I choose empathy over judgement, I choose love over anger. In the end, even though it may not make sense at the time, choosing love above all else is the only thing I can do.