| Ch-ch-changes (8/21/11) |
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I got an email the other day from a very good friend who shared her story of leaving a school that she had taught at for 18 years to go teach at another school. She really did not want to leave but there were some things that were going on there that were making her job difficult. After 5 years of trying to get the situation resolved and seeing no action being taken to fix it, she made the decision to leave. She mentioned how much she disliked change and how sad she was to be leaving but that she felt she had to do something to make her life easier. She realized that it was her choice and yet felt uneasy about it. She suggested maybe I could write about changes and how we deal with them, whether or not we feel we have any choice in the matter. Since I struggle with change myself, I thought it would be a good thing for me share some of my thoughts on the matter.
As a child being raised by an alcoholic single parent, much of the time my environment was very unpredictable. It is hard to gauge the moods of someone dependent on alcohol to get them through their day. I am sure my control issues stem from my childhood; since I couldn't control the alcoholic, I tried to control everything else. Spontaneity went out the window; I needed to be in charge of every minute of my day, no surprises thank you very much. I craved routine, things that were stable, things I could count on and so change was a 6 letter word that was very difficult for me to embrace. I have had to work very hard to overcome this. Still, those that know me know that if you call me up in the morning to suggest a movie later that same day, I am more inclined to say no than yes, although I am getting much better at saying yes. If there are things that are not working right in your life, be it physical things like broken appliances that you don't want to get rid of so you keep getting them fixed rather than buy a new one or relationships that have run their course, people who don't like change are more willing to put up with the brokenness for a lot longer than those who embrace change. There have been times when subconsciously, I have created negative situations that forced the change. I had to break it beyond repair, burn the bridge and set the river on fire so that there was no way to go back, causing such a horrific ending that it took tears shed over a long period of time before I could see that what happened was necessary to get me to move forward. Had the traumatic ending not occurred, who knows how long I would have continued to try and grow my roots in soil that was decayed. The Universe may start with gentle nudging but if ignored too long, that nudging becomes a push right off the cliff.
For me change is a choice (maybe not an easy one) yet it has not always felt that way. I realize that I cannot control others, cannot force them to change to be how I would like them to be and so if the situation isn't working for me, then the only one that can change it is me, either by changing my thoughts, actions and/or reactions or by removing myself from the environment. There have been times when I felt like I was being forced to make a change that I did not want to make but always, always, it was the right thing to do. As I continue on my path of self discovery, I realize that change means growth. Since I am wanting to grow, to overcome the things that I perceive as limitations, change is a good thing. There have been situations that I have felt forced out of, resenting the change, only to have something better show up. I needed to clear that space of the old in order to let the shiny new in. Since we are not privy to the big picture most of the time, we need to trust that whatever is happening is happening for our own good, for us to reach the next level. If we can embrace the change (even if it is a one armed embrace), realizing that we are here to grow, to reach beyond our limits, then we open ourselves up to experience our God given right to happiness, joy and love. The choice is ours to make.
Change Something is happening I fear I no longer fit into this life too small, constricting Yet worn and familiar Lying on a couch of complacency Naked but for my mask of mediocrity Imposter, no Paradox, possibly Soul, starved from malnutrition Searching to find what it craves Eyes covered with mud that splashed up As I had my head down
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