Present moment awareness or the space between (the past and the future) - this is something I will be working on for many years to come.  Sometimes I feel I have it, then it slips away as quickly as it appeared.  I don't live in the past as much I as used to; it is the future that steals my attention away.  I am a planner, a scheduler, an organizer.  I keep a daytimer (paper of course because I love the feel of pen/pencil on paper) and I can tell you almost to the exact minute how much time most things will take me.  I used to plan my day out utilizing the half hour system (as those close friends of mine know how much I love increments of five).  I plan my week out as well, goals for the month, etc.  I have gotten better at leaving room in the day for the unplanned to occur and small miracles to sneak in, yet if the schedule goes too far off course, you may find me curled up on the couch in shutdown mode.  Shutdown mode also occurs when I am feeling overwhelmed, which usually means I have over scheduled myself.

Being unable to reside in the moment can create what I will refer to as the "limbo" state.  This is where I do not know the outcome of something that is coming up in the future (see it's the future thing again).  I am not fully present in the moment because I am worried about the upcoming event and it's outcome.  It usually involves situations where I have no control over the end result, I just have to sit patiently until the matter is resolved however it is going to be resolved.  I experience something similar when I am stopped at the top of a ferris wheel where, instead of looking around at the beautiful view that I am seeing in the present moment, I am focused on when it will get moving again because I have a fear of heights and all I can think about is when I will be going back down.  I am not in control of the stopping and starting, there is nothing I can do to get it moving again and I seem to be unable to just be.  In this case, I do know the outcome, I just don't know the when.  I can get lost in this state and wind up missing chunks of my own life.

I have always been uncomfortable with the space between.  If conversation is lagging, I try to fill in the pauses.  I feel like my life should be filled with anything but empty space or it is not being fully utilized.  It is hard for me to let my vessel empty before filling it again, which is where meditation really helps.  It is in the silence where I can be empty and yet full of the Divine.  I know that it is in the space between where the present resides, not the past and not the future.  It is in the space between where miracles can happen, I just have to let myself rest there for a few moments.

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