There are times that things happen that are beyond my control, and it causes such a feeling of powerlessness, it is overwhelming. Even if some action performed by me causes a certain result that was completely unexpected, I have a hard time letting it go, remembering there are no accidents and that there is a reason for everything. I take it so personally, it's like grabbing a huge weight and setting it right on my chest and stomach. I leave it there to the point it almost crushes the life out of me - I can't breathe. Then, at the very last second my will to live kicks in and I throw off the weight, gasping for air. Could it be that I feel the need to punish myself for making what I thought to be a mistake, an error in judgment? Could it be that these are the times when I need to be the most gentle with myself? Put things in perspective, take a moment to reflect on the big picture and go take a nice, hot bubble bath!
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Why are we so resistant to asking for help? We try first one thing and then another, and another, and another and so on and so forth. After many attempts that have not seemingly brought us closer to our goal, we may then go off into a corner and pout. We immerse ourselves in the fragrant bubble bath of self-pity, soaking in the "why-me" solution. We dry off with the "I must be an idiot" towel, rub "I am not worthy" lotion over our bodies and then dress ourselves in our mourning clothes to lie down in our grief-filled bed. Grief and guilt go hand in hand, not always but most of the time. If something happens to a loved one, we think we could have done something to prevent it. We sob "Why couldn't it have been me instead?", feeling the guilt creep in because we escaped the unfortunate event and they did not. Guilt becomes comfortable, making itself at home on the couch, eating our food, sucking up our energy. We forget that we are the ones with the power. We need to grab hold of our strength, walk up to guilt, pull him off the couch and throw him out the door.
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Sometimes mediocrity can be very sly, very tricky. It tries to seduce you with it's easy going nature. It lures you into it's comfortable arms, whispering sweet no-effortless things in your ear. It cons you into handing over your dreams while giving you back the TV remote control. "Your favorite show is on, why don't you sit here and watch it with me. Oh come on, I am your friend, why do you need anything else. I will never leave you and you don't have to work hard to keep my friendship. Here, have some ice cream - isn't it good?" Meanwhile, as you continue to be distracted, mediocrity gently moves you farther away from your dreams. Soon, you can't even remember what it is you wanted so badly, what it was that made you smile just thinking about it, what could have been if you only believed. Believed in yourself and trusted in Spirit to fill in the holes. Aah, that dreaded mediocrity.
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I have been practicing meditation for many years now and I must admit "practicing" still best describes it as I surely do not have it mastered. It is extremely difficult to quiet my mind, it seems to be on an auto-pilot mode that has gotten it's hands on lots of caffeine and sugar. It even affects my sleep as the "off" switch in my brain continually moves around so that I have a hard time locating it. This is when my love for words can get a bit frustrating. It can be like a fashion show inside my head, with each thought strutting down the runway saying "Pay attention to me, aren't I the best?" The ideas twirl about, showing off each side until they are pushed onward by the next one. I have learned to let them do their thing because if I let them continue their parade with no resistance, no attention from me, they become deflated with a "why bother" air surrounding them. Soon they are only background noise and it is then that the beautiful silence strolls peacefully in, no pretense and I am left in simple Grace.
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